Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Possessing my Portion
Have you ever noticed that when you learn a new word it seems to pop up everywhere? I have found in my life that often when I hear a new Word it works this same. This week's Word was Psalm 73. Kurt spoke about this passage at Warehouse 242 this past Sunday. His focus was to impress upon us all the significance of the portion which God has given to us, and the loss we experience when we consider the portion of others with envy and ignorance. He gave two beautiful examples of portion (one positive and one humblingly relate-able negative example)and how our portion and our inheritance is certain and it is enough. (You can hear Kurt's message here.)
This past year has provided a lot of time to reflect on my portion. To recognize that my portion may not be 'large' by the standards of others, but it is enough. There are so many 'criteria' that I impose upon God about what portion I will accept - perhaps I can only accept my portion if it includes marriage or if it includes the right job, or if it includes recognition, etc. When all my regular comforts and identifiers were distanced from me (my eloquence, my independence, my friendships, my social position, my material possessions)I realized that although those 'portions' might mean something to me, or to my peers they meant nothing to God. The portion that concerns Him is that which He has given me. My comfort should come in my certainty that my portion (regardless of how it may appear) is enough!
Asaph's Psalm more perfectly expresses my year than anything I can write here. I was at the end of my spiritual rope. I felt I had tied a knot and was hanging on with my fingernails to the belief that God would provide for me. With self-loathing and bitterness I watched the wicked around me prosper while I felt left behind and forgotten by the Savior around whom my life had been shaped. Asaph felt the same thing as a Levite relying on the obedience of the tribes of Israel for his 'portion' or his provision; as an obedient follower, he felt he had followed fruitlessly and was bitter and frustrated with God. Asaph realized, however, that although he could not change the world around him he could rely on God to remain faithful and hold onto him whether he [Asaph] understood his circumstances or not.
"As for me, it is good to be near God." God has given me a portion far greater than any I could compare myself to in shallow envy. I can seek self-satisfaction and find myself always oppressed by my circumstances, or I can recognize that God has a portion for me that is enough that I will never lack.
Tuesday night I attended a city-wide singles worship service called Charlotte One and the passage shared was Psalm 139 which seemed the perfect next step to my ponderings about my 'portion'. My portion is mine because God knows me! He knows me intimately down to the words on my tongue! He has prepared my portion for me because His heart is good; because he is the only one who has the right to do so - because He is God and He is the only one who knows me fully, the only one who ever would have the ability to know me fully, even so much better than I know myself.
As I ponder this word 'portion' I have a conversation with a friend about Messianic Judaism and she mentions to me that when she was in Jerusalem over her 30th birthday, she learned what her Torah 'portion' was. Every year the Torah (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers & Deuteronomy) is read (in weekly readings) during services and the same reading falls on the same week every year (according to the Jewish not he Gregorian calendar). The portion read during your brithday is your Torah Portion. There is also a corresponding Haftarah (the scriptures from the prophets, etc.) Before I muddle this too greatly, let me point you to a few sites where you can find your Torah portion:
The one that my friend Kaite suggested to me is found here,but I also found a site that provided a little more information on Jewish Birthdays here and some additional information on how your birthday and portion is determined here.
My Torah portion is VaEtchanan, Deuteronomy : 3:23-7:11 and my Haftarah portion is Isaiah 40:1 - 40:26. I have not had time to really ponder the Torah portion - it is the section where God forbids Moses to cross the Jordan, gives Israel the Ten Commandments, restates the authority of God, sets aside cities of refuge and gives instruction for entering the land.( here is some info about the passage and the Jewish holidays, etc. surrounding it.) The Haftarah portion is the very famous passage in Isaiah about Comforting Israel & God's greatness. (Which, incidentally leads me to ponder a message I heard by N.T. Wright talking about that passage.)
There will be more postings about portions as I practice possessing my portion and considering it with thankfulness. (and possibly some electronic media artwork as ponderance and practice.)
This past year has provided a lot of time to reflect on my portion. To recognize that my portion may not be 'large' by the standards of others, but it is enough. There are so many 'criteria' that I impose upon God about what portion I will accept - perhaps I can only accept my portion if it includes marriage or if it includes the right job, or if it includes recognition, etc. When all my regular comforts and identifiers were distanced from me (my eloquence, my independence, my friendships, my social position, my material possessions)I realized that although those 'portions' might mean something to me, or to my peers they meant nothing to God. The portion that concerns Him is that which He has given me. My comfort should come in my certainty that my portion (regardless of how it may appear) is enough!
Asaph's Psalm more perfectly expresses my year than anything I can write here. I was at the end of my spiritual rope. I felt I had tied a knot and was hanging on with my fingernails to the belief that God would provide for me. With self-loathing and bitterness I watched the wicked around me prosper while I felt left behind and forgotten by the Savior around whom my life had been shaped. Asaph felt the same thing as a Levite relying on the obedience of the tribes of Israel for his 'portion' or his provision; as an obedient follower, he felt he had followed fruitlessly and was bitter and frustrated with God. Asaph realized, however, that although he could not change the world around him he could rely on God to remain faithful and hold onto him whether he [Asaph] understood his circumstances or not.
"As for me, it is good to be near God." God has given me a portion far greater than any I could compare myself to in shallow envy. I can seek self-satisfaction and find myself always oppressed by my circumstances, or I can recognize that God has a portion for me that is enough that I will never lack.
Tuesday night I attended a city-wide singles worship service called Charlotte One and the passage shared was Psalm 139 which seemed the perfect next step to my ponderings about my 'portion'. My portion is mine because God knows me! He knows me intimately down to the words on my tongue! He has prepared my portion for me because His heart is good; because he is the only one who has the right to do so - because He is God and He is the only one who knows me fully, the only one who ever would have the ability to know me fully, even so much better than I know myself.
As I ponder this word 'portion' I have a conversation with a friend about Messianic Judaism and she mentions to me that when she was in Jerusalem over her 30th birthday, she learned what her Torah 'portion' was. Every year the Torah (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers & Deuteronomy) is read (in weekly readings) during services and the same reading falls on the same week every year (according to the Jewish not he Gregorian calendar). The portion read during your brithday is your Torah Portion. There is also a corresponding Haftarah (the scriptures from the prophets, etc.) Before I muddle this too greatly, let me point you to a few sites where you can find your Torah portion:
The one that my friend Kaite suggested to me is found here,but I also found a site that provided a little more information on Jewish Birthdays here and some additional information on how your birthday and portion is determined here.
My Torah portion is VaEtchanan, Deuteronomy : 3:23-7:11 and my Haftarah portion is Isaiah 40:1 - 40:26. I have not had time to really ponder the Torah portion - it is the section where God forbids Moses to cross the Jordan, gives Israel the Ten Commandments, restates the authority of God, sets aside cities of refuge and gives instruction for entering the land.( here is some info about the passage and the Jewish holidays, etc. surrounding it.) The Haftarah portion is the very famous passage in Isaiah about Comforting Israel & God's greatness. (Which, incidentally leads me to ponder a message I heard by N.T. Wright talking about that passage.)
There will be more postings about portions as I practice possessing my portion and considering it with thankfulness. (and possibly some electronic media artwork as ponderance and practice.)
Friday, June 20, 2008
returning to time away at home
it was a long year away, of that i am sure. in hindsight, i see that it is true that a person can endure almost anything for a year; and despite the unbelievable frustrations, i don't feel that i just survived - i feel i learned.
a lesson is only as good as the length of time that its knowledge is retained. if it took 10 months for me to begin to hold the information God was heaping upon me, how horrible will it be to forget it as soon as the familiar again becomes comfortable.
life comes at you so quickly, especially stateside. media images are everywhere -- i had to ask my parents (who run the t.v. most of the time - watching FOX News) if i could please turn the t.v. off -- music is fine; but the visual images become noise in my brain.
sometimes people and places can become the same kind of noise. sometimes my thoughts alone crowd my head to the point that i am over stimulated (which might answer why i am up writing this blog after midnight.) the t.v. i can turn off - people and my thoughts...that is a bit harder. where is the balance between accepting too much input and holing yourself away and experiencing none.
this is a critical thing to ponder when i put it in real context - that of my quiet time and my prayer life. when there are so many people and so much stimulation it is hard to get away and consider prayer. friends are so much 'easier' to talk to than God. o.k. - i get it, that is a funny thing to say...but my external processing mechanism seems to work with people, where it seems to just be additional internal processing when i pray UNLESS i can stop the other input and focus on the Father. but will i take the time to do so?
one thing is certain to me about the lessons i learned in the D.R. - i will only retain them as long as God remains my focus and my anchor. input and images become idols as soon as they de-seat the Father from the throne He deserves. one of the ways that happens in my life is through over-socialization. being busy socially fills my felt need for quality time with the Father. i recognize that not everyone is built the same way i am; some folks do not replace God with other folks. maybe it is the particular burden of external processors to seek advice from others when they should be spending time with the Father. *shrug* i dunno, but i do know that people, in some form or other, often become my idols.
it is an amazing testimony to my sinfulness that i can known this, and still choose to do what i know is not good for me, nor best, nor most pleasing to God. even as I type this i can think of half a dozen things that i would rather do than quiet my heart and go before the Father. it is really all about instant gratification - talking to others makes whatever issue or topic i am discussing seem more manageable and meaningful. i think this is a valuable tool but i also think it can keep me from what 'feels' like a less prompt pay-off, namely prayer.
God has not shown Himself to be on my schedule so far in my life. usually when i bring something to Him he does not provide an apparent(ly positive) answer to my inquiry in anything that would look to me like a timely fashion. God works according to His own schedule, and that makes me want to dig in my heels and chat with folks who (if from no other reason than politeness) have to respond to me in some way immediately. in fairness, however, were God to write on my wall the answer to whatever inquiry i have brought before Him undoubtedly i would have rationalized it away or argued its interpretation to the point that it was no longer divine at all -- but just as mundane and unknowable as the future always feels from the present.
time management is the beast i have yet to slay. the land i have yet to conquer. (more on the 'land' idea later.) perhaps, how i handle my time is the thing i need to be spending the most time handling -- especially in prayer. so here i go - with less than worthy excitement but more than priceless need to take my concerns (from lesson retention to time management) before the Father to ask Him to bless me though I am undeserving and teach me though I am slow to change.
a lesson is only as good as the length of time that its knowledge is retained. if it took 10 months for me to begin to hold the information God was heaping upon me, how horrible will it be to forget it as soon as the familiar again becomes comfortable.
life comes at you so quickly, especially stateside. media images are everywhere -- i had to ask my parents (who run the t.v. most of the time - watching FOX News) if i could please turn the t.v. off -- music is fine; but the visual images become noise in my brain.
sometimes people and places can become the same kind of noise. sometimes my thoughts alone crowd my head to the point that i am over stimulated (which might answer why i am up writing this blog after midnight.) the t.v. i can turn off - people and my thoughts...that is a bit harder. where is the balance between accepting too much input and holing yourself away and experiencing none.
this is a critical thing to ponder when i put it in real context - that of my quiet time and my prayer life. when there are so many people and so much stimulation it is hard to get away and consider prayer. friends are so much 'easier' to talk to than God. o.k. - i get it, that is a funny thing to say...but my external processing mechanism seems to work with people, where it seems to just be additional internal processing when i pray UNLESS i can stop the other input and focus on the Father. but will i take the time to do so?
one thing is certain to me about the lessons i learned in the D.R. - i will only retain them as long as God remains my focus and my anchor. input and images become idols as soon as they de-seat the Father from the throne He deserves. one of the ways that happens in my life is through over-socialization. being busy socially fills my felt need for quality time with the Father. i recognize that not everyone is built the same way i am; some folks do not replace God with other folks. maybe it is the particular burden of external processors to seek advice from others when they should be spending time with the Father. *shrug* i dunno, but i do know that people, in some form or other, often become my idols.
it is an amazing testimony to my sinfulness that i can known this, and still choose to do what i know is not good for me, nor best, nor most pleasing to God. even as I type this i can think of half a dozen things that i would rather do than quiet my heart and go before the Father. it is really all about instant gratification - talking to others makes whatever issue or topic i am discussing seem more manageable and meaningful. i think this is a valuable tool but i also think it can keep me from what 'feels' like a less prompt pay-off, namely prayer.
God has not shown Himself to be on my schedule so far in my life. usually when i bring something to Him he does not provide an apparent(ly positive) answer to my inquiry in anything that would look to me like a timely fashion. God works according to His own schedule, and that makes me want to dig in my heels and chat with folks who (if from no other reason than politeness) have to respond to me in some way immediately. in fairness, however, were God to write on my wall the answer to whatever inquiry i have brought before Him undoubtedly i would have rationalized it away or argued its interpretation to the point that it was no longer divine at all -- but just as mundane and unknowable as the future always feels from the present.
time management is the beast i have yet to slay. the land i have yet to conquer. (more on the 'land' idea later.) perhaps, how i handle my time is the thing i need to be spending the most time handling -- especially in prayer. so here i go - with less than worthy excitement but more than priceless need to take my concerns (from lesson retention to time management) before the Father to ask Him to bless me though I am undeserving and teach me though I am slow to change.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Our light and momentary afflictions
sometimes we have moments in our lives that we realize that the frustrations and even the sincere pains that we experience are really just moments of inconvenience in the perspective of eternity. we are surrounded by a world of pain and hopelessness; situations so far past our ability to understand and cope with that we shake our head speechless with wonder. we know that these things pass and that new struggles will replace them. we know that sometimes our struggles leave deep scars or spaced of emptiness in our lives and in our stories. this knowledge does not lessen the pain, but it also does not have to increase it. and I am thankful for the times that I realize that the cross that I have taken up willingly is the exact one crafted to fit most easily on my back and shoulders and that there is no shame in carrying with humility and with intention. I have been given only what God intends to provide for and no matter the horror of it, or the disappointment or the incomprehensible pain - whatever the trial, it is but a momentary and light affliction compared to the glory of walking in relationship with my Savior.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The last three weeks
I won't bore all 5 of you with the details of the difficulties of life here, it is just more of the same. The immediate effect is that I had to change the address of my blog because certain people in positions of authority have been using their ability to access it to harrass me about my struggles and prayer requests etc.
The election was last Friday, and it went very smoothly. I have taken pictures and want to write more, but am swamped with finishing school.
I also want to update about my classes, how much I love my kids here, etc. But that too will have to wait! So check back later and I will describe all in more detail.
The election was last Friday, and it went very smoothly. I have taken pictures and want to write more, but am swamped with finishing school.
I also want to update about my classes, how much I love my kids here, etc. But that too will have to wait! So check back later and I will describe all in more detail.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
The History Post -- the old things that used to be on my blog
Accumulated on June 19, 2008, but backdated to May of 08 for viewing ease.
Some of the old blog-works that used to decorate the page of my experiences.
Jarabacoa is in the mountains in the middle of the island of Hispaniola. The weather here is generally warm and mild. The scenary is beautiful with tropical foliage as well as pine trees and other higher elevation flora. Jarabacoa is about a 45 minute car ride up the mountain from Santiago (which is the closest metropolitan area.)
Basic Information
Current Weather Conditions
USA address:
Christina Rich c/o Sara Rich
11533 Five Cedars Rd.
Charlotte, NC 28226
Phone (available in DR)
704-323-5589
Email: Trisket876@gmail.com
For Financial Support please send monies to:
New Horizons Youth Foundation
Jarabacoa Christian School Staff Fund (Christina Rich)
701 S. Clinton Street, Suite 112
Fort Wayne, Indiana
46802
Packages and Mail can be sent to:
Jarabacoa Christian School
Christina RichUnit # 3039-ECDR
3170 Airmans Drive
Fort Pierce, Florida
34946
Some of the old blog-works that used to decorate the page of my experiences.
Jarabacoa is in the mountains in the middle of the island of Hispaniola. The weather here is generally warm and mild. The scenary is beautiful with tropical foliage as well as pine trees and other higher elevation flora. Jarabacoa is about a 45 minute car ride up the mountain from Santiago (which is the closest metropolitan area.)
Basic Information
Current Weather Conditions
USA address:
Christina Rich c/o Sara Rich
11533 Five Cedars Rd.
Charlotte, NC 28226
Phone (available in DR)
704-323-5589
Email: Trisket876@gmail.com
For Financial Support please send monies to:
New Horizons Youth Foundation
Jarabacoa Christian School Staff Fund (Christina Rich)
701 S. Clinton Street, Suite 112
Fort Wayne, Indiana
46802
Packages and Mail can be sent to:
Jarabacoa Christian School
Christina RichUnit # 3039-ECDR
3170 Airmans Drive
Fort Pierce, Florida
34946
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Vacation in Sosua
12 friends of mine from Charlotte came down to Sosua for a long weekend April 10th-14th and we had alot of fun. It was great to see everyone and nice to spend 3 days with no school work, no tests to grade, and not having to worry about the multitude of strange things that happen here in Jarabacoa. We played in the pool, layed on the beach, went snorkling, ate food, drank yummy tropical drinks and laughed alot. Here is a small piece of the fun.
The second morning I was there I went and found a hammock by myself, curled up with a copy of "The Book Thief" and enjoyed the sun and the sound of surf while I sat in silent contemplation. I took a picture of the hammock so that when I need to visualize a safe and quiet place, I can think of my time sitting there.
We saw the most beautiful sunsets there. Pictures do not do them justice.
Later that night we had seafood. I had snapper stuffed with salmon maybe...(???) I cannot remember, but it was very good. Probably didn't help that I had eaten quite a large snack at another resort restaurant 2 hours earlier.
Pool fun:
Our last night there we had italian and much fun occurred. Afterward Kyle and Jenn sang Karaoke. Then fooze ball then some time at the discotheque.
Our temporary visitor...
Rachel, Christy Elmer and I were eating leftovers on Thursday night during a thunderstorm. As the rain slowed we kept hearing a cat (sounded like a kitten) but could not figure out where the noise was coming from. Finally, after half an hour I went out to track down the mewing that was pathetic and insistent. I looked and looked and could not find the culprit. After about 10 minutes I found this:
So, we rescued it:
It appears to be ok. It is hanging out on our front porch and gets to come inside for an hour or two a day. A family here is supposed to take it (I told them God sent it to us in a rainstorm with instructions attached to pass it along to them) but they are being slow. We will find it a home at school on Monday. It will NOT remain with us. But, for the time being, it is cute.
So, we rescued it:
It appears to be ok. It is hanging out on our front porch and gets to come inside for an hour or two a day. A family here is supposed to take it (I told them God sent it to us in a rainstorm with instructions attached to pass it along to them) but they are being slow. We will find it a home at school on Monday. It will NOT remain with us. But, for the time being, it is cute.
Monday, April 7, 2008
being in the light
Last night I spent several hours awake gripped by fear and worry. While I have often struggled with worry, I do not often feel inhibited by fear. I am usually rather gregarious and willing to jump on a plane, a bus, a bike, whatever the adventure calls for. I am far more likely to pass up an adventure for fear of embarrassment than I am for fear of physical harm. The older I get, the more readily I sleep without concern for noises in the house, or concerns for personal safety. (I think this is in part because I have come to trust the wisdom of doing all that a person can do to be safe - lock doors, know your space, have emergency phone numbers, wear your seatbelt, etc. and past that to recognize the sovereignty of God.)
Last night I was gripped with an ominous foreboding. A fear of things that don't ever even cross my mind - silly things like losing a limb or car accidents or serious illness. Then, of course, it moved on to fear for my family, worries about getting home, concern for world events, etc. I recognize the power of night and darkness in confusing our perceptions and muddling our clear thinking. This was oppressive though. I spent several hours praying and listened to an 80 minute message by N.T. Wright twice. (That was a good thing, as I think I learned some apologetics I had not considered before.)
I don't know how to explain how oppressive this was. I thought several times of waking my roommate, of calling home...something, anything to reach out to someone else. I still feel groggy and hesitant today. Since daylight I have been trying to figure out what provoked these worries, these irrational, faithless concerns that caused me to shake with fear. These are the few conclusions I have reached:
1. Satan is attacking the JCS staff. I don't want to sound all Frank Peretti on anyone, but seriously, weird problems without apparent motives have been surfacing all over. The is a lack of willingness to take personal responsibility and a justifying of actions by misquoted biblical texts and the apparent blanket excuse of "I prayed about it". I think we can all fall prey to this kind of deception when we are under this much stress and confusion. 1 John talks about being in the light, and taking responsibility for our sins - asking forgiveness. I feel like many things here are in darkness. The need for secrecy in the body is a good example of darkness abiding, and when that is seen as normal and necessary, it makes me cringe for the evil we invite when we cloak our activities with darkness. But I also know that God is the one who brings things from darkness into light. (Job 12:21-23) And God has called us from darkness into light. (1 Peter 2:9). I do not quote these verses to imply that I am in the light, more to confess how often I find myself acting under the shadow of darkness, or of hopelessness and how urgently I desire the garbage to be scooped out of my soul and to be made clean by the purifying light of God's presence and love. But Satan, the father of lies, has been using the darkness here to his great advantage and turning believer against believer - making things that are circumstantial appear personal and blinding us to our true motives. It is painful and sad and humbling.
2. This past week was difficult. I had a difficult meeting on Wednesday which 'brought into the light' the inability for reconciliation to occur in some areas here. It grieves me, but still I have to check my own motives. I feel emotionally worn out and bleeding.
On Thursday we had a storm with power surges (apparently) and my computer power supply was fried. I hope that the computer itself was not damaged, but I will not know until I can obtain a new powersupply (which by God's grace will happen in the next week.) That same power surge, it appears, blew the compressor to our refrigerator. (Remember, this is the 3rd refrigerator we have had here.) So, no food - nothing that can spoil. No cold drinks, no jam even for peanut butter and jelly. We cannot keep leftovers and cannot have much fresh fruits or veggies (everything in our house molds so quickly.) It should not be a big deal, but it does really discourage on a daily basis.
On Friday a new and dear friend resigned her position at JCS. We NEED all the staff, and her leaving will be deeply felt. The amount of deception that occurred to let Satan pull this off has be baffled. We are one quarter from done with the school year and for the second time the administration has lost a math teacher. Something is seriously wrong. This is not how things are supposed to be done. Both of these math teachers were bilingual and knowledgeable. Yes, teaching at JCS takes some adjustment, but when personal grudges or preconceptions take the place of what is best for the students, it is hard to continue to respect those responsible for the lack of effective communication.
Yesterday (Sunday) I dropped the motorcycle in the road on the way to a friends house. I sustained a minorly skinned knee (Thank God I had on jeans!!!) and a bruised hand. The greatest damage was done to my ego, but I have to admit that I am in no hurry to get back on that horse (see again my normally gregariousness...this is unusual for me.)
I trust that God is good. That even if some great harm should befall me that He would be in control, but I felt last night that the angel of death was hovering at my shoulder or that the tribulation was upon me, and my ability to rationally and prayerfully consider things 'in the light' seemed to be withheld from me. In the daylight it should seem silly, but even so the fear lingers.
2 Timothy 1:7-10
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.
Last night I was gripped with an ominous foreboding. A fear of things that don't ever even cross my mind - silly things like losing a limb or car accidents or serious illness. Then, of course, it moved on to fear for my family, worries about getting home, concern for world events, etc. I recognize the power of night and darkness in confusing our perceptions and muddling our clear thinking. This was oppressive though. I spent several hours praying and listened to an 80 minute message by N.T. Wright twice. (That was a good thing, as I think I learned some apologetics I had not considered before.)
I don't know how to explain how oppressive this was. I thought several times of waking my roommate, of calling home...something, anything to reach out to someone else. I still feel groggy and hesitant today. Since daylight I have been trying to figure out what provoked these worries, these irrational, faithless concerns that caused me to shake with fear. These are the few conclusions I have reached:
1. Satan is attacking the JCS staff. I don't want to sound all Frank Peretti on anyone, but seriously, weird problems without apparent motives have been surfacing all over. The is a lack of willingness to take personal responsibility and a justifying of actions by misquoted biblical texts and the apparent blanket excuse of "I prayed about it". I think we can all fall prey to this kind of deception when we are under this much stress and confusion. 1 John talks about being in the light, and taking responsibility for our sins - asking forgiveness. I feel like many things here are in darkness. The need for secrecy in the body is a good example of darkness abiding, and when that is seen as normal and necessary, it makes me cringe for the evil we invite when we cloak our activities with darkness. But I also know that God is the one who brings things from darkness into light. (Job 12:21-23) And God has called us from darkness into light. (1 Peter 2:9). I do not quote these verses to imply that I am in the light, more to confess how often I find myself acting under the shadow of darkness, or of hopelessness and how urgently I desire the garbage to be scooped out of my soul and to be made clean by the purifying light of God's presence and love. But Satan, the father of lies, has been using the darkness here to his great advantage and turning believer against believer - making things that are circumstantial appear personal and blinding us to our true motives. It is painful and sad and humbling.
2. This past week was difficult. I had a difficult meeting on Wednesday which 'brought into the light' the inability for reconciliation to occur in some areas here. It grieves me, but still I have to check my own motives. I feel emotionally worn out and bleeding.
On Thursday we had a storm with power surges (apparently) and my computer power supply was fried. I hope that the computer itself was not damaged, but I will not know until I can obtain a new powersupply (which by God's grace will happen in the next week.) That same power surge, it appears, blew the compressor to our refrigerator. (Remember, this is the 3rd refrigerator we have had here.) So, no food - nothing that can spoil. No cold drinks, no jam even for peanut butter and jelly. We cannot keep leftovers and cannot have much fresh fruits or veggies (everything in our house molds so quickly.) It should not be a big deal, but it does really discourage on a daily basis.
On Friday a new and dear friend resigned her position at JCS. We NEED all the staff, and her leaving will be deeply felt. The amount of deception that occurred to let Satan pull this off has be baffled. We are one quarter from done with the school year and for the second time the administration has lost a math teacher. Something is seriously wrong. This is not how things are supposed to be done. Both of these math teachers were bilingual and knowledgeable. Yes, teaching at JCS takes some adjustment, but when personal grudges or preconceptions take the place of what is best for the students, it is hard to continue to respect those responsible for the lack of effective communication.
Yesterday (Sunday) I dropped the motorcycle in the road on the way to a friends house. I sustained a minorly skinned knee (Thank God I had on jeans!!!) and a bruised hand. The greatest damage was done to my ego, but I have to admit that I am in no hurry to get back on that horse (see again my normally gregariousness...this is unusual for me.)
I trust that God is good. That even if some great harm should befall me that He would be in control, but I felt last night that the angel of death was hovering at my shoulder or that the tribulation was upon me, and my ability to rationally and prayerfully consider things 'in the light' seemed to be withheld from me. In the daylight it should seem silly, but even so the fear lingers.
2 Timothy 1:7-10
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The sin of cynicism
We live in a world fraught with examples of dishonesty, ill-intentions and hopeless attempts at self-definition. All you need to do is visit the front page of any newspaper to re-enforce your distrust of fellow human beings. The war in Iraq, AIDS in Africa, Global Warming, Russian cave cults, violence in Somalia, serial-killers, mines collapsing, North Korean missile tests...the list goes on and on.
Discouragement doesn't only exist in lands across an ocean or in cities far away; we experience it personally in every aspect of our days. Try to maintain any sense of innocence or optimism if you live in a city with traffic. And if you actually get to your office without losing your faith in humanity, it will probably not be more than a half an hour until a coworker has squashed all of your hope of human kindness. Let's not even start discussing calling a customer service hotline (can we just say Suncom doesn't 'get it') or visiting the DMV!
I wish that I could blame all of my lack of faith in humanity on the news or on driving in Charlotte. I am sure we all wish we could point to things too distant and separate from our hearts, but the things that really discourage us tend to be alot closer to home. Friendships that have been ruined because of misunderstandings, betrayals by those we trusted with the secrets of our hearts, peers who have waged war against our well being instead of guarding our souls against the deceits of the devil. Rejection, alienation, criticisms, withholding of forgiveness, gossip, slander and self-righteousness all separate us from each other. There is not one of us who hasn't experienced this side of human nature and not one of us who hasn't suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The question is, how do we respond?
I am so tired of the pithy cliches about human suffering. It is not that 'turning the other cheek' or 'give them your tunic too' isn't great advice, or that I question the rightness of such a response, but honestly, how often are our disappointments as clear-cut as a slap on the cheek or the stealing of your cloak? Most of the time our wounds are inflicted much more subtly. It is not that we are not able to turn the other cheek when we are slapped, it is just that after being slapped around so many times it is hard not to flinch every time someone raises their hand (even if it is just to high-five us.)
We are cynical. Jaded. Cynicism is defined as:
An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others. A scornfully or jadedly negative comment or act: "She arrived at a philosophy of her own, all made up of her private notations and cynicisms" (Henry James).
After being smacked around so many times it is hard not to have an attitude of morbid expectation. When you feel you have constantly received the worst from people it is hard not to prepare for it. Through a series of events recently I have really come to ponder the sadness of self-fulfilled prophecy; when you expect people to disappoint you and to treat you poorly they usually do. How much of this is just a result of living in a sinful world and how much of it is predicated by our expectations? Where is God in the midst of our experiences of the world, and what is the response we should have toward these constant reminders of the failings of sinful humans?
Worldy wisdom says that understanding the pitfalls of the world you live in should help you avoid being hurt. I looked up quotes about cynicism and found the following:
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. or
Idealism is what precedes experience, cynicism is what follows. or
It's hard to argue against cynics - they always sound smarter than optimists because they have so much evidence on their side.
Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. or
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Against such overwhelming experiential truths how do we respond with anything other than satisfaction when we have learned that life really is as bad as everyone else says? But the Bible warns us against worldly wisdom and sets it up as the opposite of God's grace, and warns us that God makes foolish the wisdom of this world. What then should our response be? How then do we live with wisdom in a world that repeatedly displays its unholiness; when even believers (and sometimes especially believers) seek to justify their own wrong doing by the sins of others?
I am far from being resolved in this issue and have a multitude of questions about how to address the deeply imbedded impulse to be cynical (particularly regarding the integrity of motives of my fellow Christians.) But, I have a few ideas that I am pondering:
1.) Recognize that cynicism is a sin. All of my intellectual training rebels against this conviction. Cynicism is my hiding place; it is my ability to keep the world at arms length and to stand back and laugh at the jerks that hurt me. Admitting that my cynicism is a sin means that I cannot justify myself in believing the worst of others (even perhaps when that worst is true).
There are several verses that have backed me into this corner. The first is the obvious 1 Corinthians passage (which I have visited and revisited so often this year.) Love believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things and it never fails. "always hopes" is the opposite of expecting disappointment. Biblical hope is not the crossing of fingers behind one's back while asking santa for a pony. Faith and hope are tied inextricably together throughout the New Testament, and faith is not 'wishful thinking' but certainty. Additionally, Hebrews 6 says that the promise of God's blessing is the hope that anchors our soul. I cannot (though I wish I could) see anyway that cynicism can co-exist with such a great and powerful hope.
2. Recognizing our own sins. Christ warns us about trying to remove the splinter from someone else's eye while ignoring the plank in our own. Personally, I know that it is easiest for me to point out the sins in another's life if they are the same ones that I struggle with myself. (Perhaps an intimate knowledge of those sins makes it so easy to recognize them in others, but also somehow seeing it in others makes it so much easier to justify it in myself.) I do not believe that one can deal with the sin of cynicism without addressing the sin of pride that assumes that while I believe the worst in others I am somehow spiritually evolved enough not to fall into the same traps myself. Clearly that justification is rubbish. We see in others what we are most afraid of addressing in ourselves. (ie: My certainty of the unteachableness (the intractableness) in others is almost always a sure sign that I am currently being stubborn and unyielding myself.)
3. Cynicism thrives on deception. Without the existence of deceit there would be no need for cynicism. While I can do nothing about the state of the world around me, I can most certainly pray for wisdom in recognizing the deceit in my own life. James 3 defines wisdom:
17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
To eliminate deception (and we know that Satan is the father of lies) we have to make sure that we are not holding on to the very lack of integrity we expect to see in others. 1 Peter 2:1 says, "1Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation." I cannot remain hopeful in a world fraught with dishonesty if I continue to harbor malice, hypocrisy and slander in my heart (especially towards those who have wronged me.)
I am still working through and thinking through these things, and I am struggling in a very tangible way with how to apply these thoughts to the broken life I lead. The selfish and insecure part of me wants to stand back triumphantly everytime the world disappoints me, wagging my finger and saying, "I told you so." But the part of me that cries out to praise God for my redemption cannot worship him euphorically while I continually doubt his ability to redeem others. This is no small platitude. Learning to address this sin that runs to the very core of my identity and taints everything I put my hand to is not simply a case of wearing a WWJD wristband. This sin is so huge and so pervasive that I feel hopelss in ever rooting it all out, but I have to believe in my new found commitment to hope that God is just as capable of cleaning the garbage out of my soul as He is in saving me from the pit of hell. I have to believe it, because otherwise I have no anchor.
I don't know what I will think tomorrow when I check the news, or when I walk into staff meeting, or watch my students in their struggle to become young adults. I do know that tomorrow I will wake up in the same broken and twisted world that I fell asleep in tonight, but I pray with the deepest gut-wrenching, bowel-aching soul-pain I have felt in a long time that I will choose not to shield myself from the perils of life with my sinful cynicism, but that I will embrace this broken world with the confidence that God is not finished with His work of redemption and that the blessings He has promised are true and imminent, and that I will (and am) see(ing) the
goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Discouragement doesn't only exist in lands across an ocean or in cities far away; we experience it personally in every aspect of our days. Try to maintain any sense of innocence or optimism if you live in a city with traffic. And if you actually get to your office without losing your faith in humanity, it will probably not be more than a half an hour until a coworker has squashed all of your hope of human kindness. Let's not even start discussing calling a customer service hotline (can we just say Suncom doesn't 'get it') or visiting the DMV!
I wish that I could blame all of my lack of faith in humanity on the news or on driving in Charlotte. I am sure we all wish we could point to things too distant and separate from our hearts, but the things that really discourage us tend to be alot closer to home. Friendships that have been ruined because of misunderstandings, betrayals by those we trusted with the secrets of our hearts, peers who have waged war against our well being instead of guarding our souls against the deceits of the devil. Rejection, alienation, criticisms, withholding of forgiveness, gossip, slander and self-righteousness all separate us from each other. There is not one of us who hasn't experienced this side of human nature and not one of us who hasn't suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The question is, how do we respond?
I am so tired of the pithy cliches about human suffering. It is not that 'turning the other cheek' or 'give them your tunic too' isn't great advice, or that I question the rightness of such a response, but honestly, how often are our disappointments as clear-cut as a slap on the cheek or the stealing of your cloak? Most of the time our wounds are inflicted much more subtly. It is not that we are not able to turn the other cheek when we are slapped, it is just that after being slapped around so many times it is hard not to flinch every time someone raises their hand (even if it is just to high-five us.)
We are cynical. Jaded. Cynicism is defined as:
An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others. A scornfully or jadedly negative comment or act: "She arrived at a philosophy of her own, all made up of her private notations and cynicisms" (Henry James).
After being smacked around so many times it is hard not to have an attitude of morbid expectation. When you feel you have constantly received the worst from people it is hard not to prepare for it. Through a series of events recently I have really come to ponder the sadness of self-fulfilled prophecy; when you expect people to disappoint you and to treat you poorly they usually do. How much of this is just a result of living in a sinful world and how much of it is predicated by our expectations? Where is God in the midst of our experiences of the world, and what is the response we should have toward these constant reminders of the failings of sinful humans?
Worldy wisdom says that understanding the pitfalls of the world you live in should help you avoid being hurt. I looked up quotes about cynicism and found the following:
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. or
Idealism is what precedes experience, cynicism is what follows. or
It's hard to argue against cynics - they always sound smarter than optimists because they have so much evidence on their side.
Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. or
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Against such overwhelming experiential truths how do we respond with anything other than satisfaction when we have learned that life really is as bad as everyone else says? But the Bible warns us against worldly wisdom and sets it up as the opposite of God's grace, and warns us that God makes foolish the wisdom of this world. What then should our response be? How then do we live with wisdom in a world that repeatedly displays its unholiness; when even believers (and sometimes especially believers) seek to justify their own wrong doing by the sins of others?
I am far from being resolved in this issue and have a multitude of questions about how to address the deeply imbedded impulse to be cynical (particularly regarding the integrity of motives of my fellow Christians.) But, I have a few ideas that I am pondering:
1.) Recognize that cynicism is a sin. All of my intellectual training rebels against this conviction. Cynicism is my hiding place; it is my ability to keep the world at arms length and to stand back and laugh at the jerks that hurt me. Admitting that my cynicism is a sin means that I cannot justify myself in believing the worst of others (even perhaps when that worst is true).
There are several verses that have backed me into this corner. The first is the obvious 1 Corinthians passage (which I have visited and revisited so often this year.) Love believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things and it never fails. "always hopes" is the opposite of expecting disappointment. Biblical hope is not the crossing of fingers behind one's back while asking santa for a pony. Faith and hope are tied inextricably together throughout the New Testament, and faith is not 'wishful thinking' but certainty. Additionally, Hebrews 6 says that the promise of God's blessing is the hope that anchors our soul. I cannot (though I wish I could) see anyway that cynicism can co-exist with such a great and powerful hope.
2. Recognizing our own sins. Christ warns us about trying to remove the splinter from someone else's eye while ignoring the plank in our own. Personally, I know that it is easiest for me to point out the sins in another's life if they are the same ones that I struggle with myself. (Perhaps an intimate knowledge of those sins makes it so easy to recognize them in others, but also somehow seeing it in others makes it so much easier to justify it in myself.) I do not believe that one can deal with the sin of cynicism without addressing the sin of pride that assumes that while I believe the worst in others I am somehow spiritually evolved enough not to fall into the same traps myself. Clearly that justification is rubbish. We see in others what we are most afraid of addressing in ourselves. (ie: My certainty of the unteachableness (the intractableness) in others is almost always a sure sign that I am currently being stubborn and unyielding myself.)
3. Cynicism thrives on deception. Without the existence of deceit there would be no need for cynicism. While I can do nothing about the state of the world around me, I can most certainly pray for wisdom in recognizing the deceit in my own life. James 3 defines wisdom:
17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
To eliminate deception (and we know that Satan is the father of lies) we have to make sure that we are not holding on to the very lack of integrity we expect to see in others. 1 Peter 2:1 says, "1Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation." I cannot remain hopeful in a world fraught with dishonesty if I continue to harbor malice, hypocrisy and slander in my heart (especially towards those who have wronged me.)
I am still working through and thinking through these things, and I am struggling in a very tangible way with how to apply these thoughts to the broken life I lead. The selfish and insecure part of me wants to stand back triumphantly everytime the world disappoints me, wagging my finger and saying, "I told you so." But the part of me that cries out to praise God for my redemption cannot worship him euphorically while I continually doubt his ability to redeem others. This is no small platitude. Learning to address this sin that runs to the very core of my identity and taints everything I put my hand to is not simply a case of wearing a WWJD wristband. This sin is so huge and so pervasive that I feel hopelss in ever rooting it all out, but I have to believe in my new found commitment to hope that God is just as capable of cleaning the garbage out of my soul as He is in saving me from the pit of hell. I have to believe it, because otherwise I have no anchor.
I don't know what I will think tomorrow when I check the news, or when I walk into staff meeting, or watch my students in their struggle to become young adults. I do know that tomorrow I will wake up in the same broken and twisted world that I fell asleep in tonight, but I pray with the deepest gut-wrenching, bowel-aching soul-pain I have felt in a long time that I will choose not to shield myself from the perils of life with my sinful cynicism, but that I will embrace this broken world with the confidence that God is not finished with His work of redemption and that the blessings He has promised are true and imminent, and that I will (and am) see(ing) the
goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
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