Lauren F. Winner, Semester Exams and learning to deal with an angry heart

Yesterday the director told me that, at least for a time, my normal routine of leaving school when I was finished with my classes will have to change. I had been under the impression that we would have half-days this week because exams are over at noon and we would be free to go home and grade and work on preparing for report cards. For multiple reasons it is easier for me to work from our house which is less than 3 minutes away (walking) from school than it is to work at school, so this news has me frustrated. Additionally, I thought we received the half days as some sort of compensation for the hellish less-than-2-weeks we received to prepare all the semester-end study guides and exams. (Kind of a pay-me-now and benefit later arrangement.) Nyet! *cracks whip* We are required to be on campus and complete the full school days even though we don't have classes (and because highschool teachers rotate we don't really have classrooms either.)

So, here I sit in the 8th grade classroom. The table in the teacher's lounge is full, and besides, the office is a poor environment to get anything accomplished. One of my 11th graders needed to stay late to complete her test, so I left the classroom about 12.20; heated my lunch in the microwave in the teacher's lounge (I think it is the second time I have used a microwave since I moved here in August) and scurried away to an empty classroom where I could set my laptop on a desk and plug it in (since the battery is basically shot.) After lunch I will get back to grading.

I have started reading Lauren F. Winner's book, "girl meets GOD" and already I feel she is a kindred spirit. I suppose many people have that experience with writers - most of my friends stateside would consider themselves kindred with Donald Miller. In this first chapter, Winner is talking about her experience at a Messianic Jewish Synagogue and how she feels that the service is evangelical parading as Jewish. ("Add Hebrew & stir," she says.) Describing her reaction in the service she writes:
Occassionally I offer up a silent prayer that the Holy Spirit will work overtime on my heart and help me stop being judgemental long enough to recognize that these people are worshipping the Risen Lord, but I don't really want God to answer this prayer.

Bless her, I understand. It is easy to offer before the Lord the requests that we know we should make and hard to actually mean what we are asking for. I wonder if James 1:6 answers this dilema a little...the whole 'no doubting' idea has always baffled me. Of course we doubt, and more progressive theologians like to tell us that 'doubting' is normal - as is questioning God, and not something we should be ashamed of. I guess it is the way we respond to our doubts, like anger, that we need to consider? But, James exhorts us to ask for wisdom without doubting,
(5) If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (6) But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (7) That man should not receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Preach it, James! I pray often that God will soften my heart, and bring to me wisdom and compassion when dealing with other believers around me. But, deep inside I, like Winner, don't really mean that prayer. Wisdom and enlightenment mean additional responsibility. It strips away our justification and leaves us naked against the prodding of the Holy Spirit. Vulnerability, even (or particularly) before God seems such a risk. And then God's goodness toward us is called into question.

Change might be a constant, but it is also constantly hated. I came back to the DR with all this renewed intention of allowing change to enter my life - to re-invent my attitude and to renew my heart to innocence instead of cynicism. Yet, within a week of being back I am told that the requirements for submission have changed - and not for my ease. Instead of being able to remove myself from those situations that breed discontentment (like my previous resolution to spend as little time hanging out at school after classes, etc. as possible) I am required to endure longer moments of aggrevation and been advised to do so with a cheerful and compliant heart. No, God! I have prayer for wisdom and enlightenment, but phulllleeeeeeaaassseeee don't bring it to me through suffering. Please don't teach me compassion through discomfort and above all please don't require that I love the people who impose upon my good intentions in such a way. I doubt. I am double-minded and tossed about by the wind. In the immortal words of PINK, "I'm my own worst enemy." God save me from myself.

Often life seems harder when God answers my prayers than when He doesn't. And yet I am supposed to request what I know I should. And mean it. Without double minded-ness. Fudge and popsicles! *shakes head*

Sundays are the hardest days

Instead of waking me up in a way that will get her in trouble, Pila just bounces on the bed - scratches herself, lays down, gets up, turns a few times, tries to lay down again, licks her paws, etc. for about 45 minutes before I finally can take no more and get up and get her some breakfast. Rachel made pancakes and eggs this morning and they were fantastic. We are both getting quite adept in the kitchen and learning time-saving tricks. I made pancakes yesterday and put the remainder of the batter in the fridge so today she made breakfast in the less than 10 minutes I was outside reading: I just started "The Pursuit of Holiness" by Jerry Bridges. I am going to try to read a chapter a day for the next two weeks. I am not sure I will agree with all of his interpretations, but he does discuss several questions I have about what holiness (as seperateness) entails and the feasiblity of it in our Christian walk.

Rachel just left for church. I am staying in. I need to do laundry (which did not get completed yesterday for various and assundry reasons) and organize some things...but mostly I need to have some quiet time and mourn the fact that I am away from my church home and community for almost 6 months. Sundays are the hardest days because I know that my friends are all together at church, hearing the same messages, sharing lunch and laughs and conversing about the things they are learning in and out of church. Sunday was my favorite day when I was stateside. Here it holds the least encouragement or joy of any day of the week. When I do attend services here I cannot understand the message. The hymns (when they are familiar) are nice, but largely they are not familiar. I don't go to lunch and fellowship with others. Stores here are only open Sunday morning instead of sunday afternoon, so if you do need something you have to go during the protestant church services. All in all Sunday is just my least favorite day.

I was chatting with Steph this morning before church and she asked how she could pray for me today. Truly, there are so many things that I feel I need help with that I don't know where to start, but the number one thing is that I just need to be able to put aside myself and focus on the Father. But, myself seems the most tangible and familiar thing here sometimes, and it is hard to set that comfort (no matter how vain) aside and accept that there is a reason that God has me here and not there. I know it is for my own good. I know that He is faithful - I know that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father who does not change like shifting shadows...I know this, but here, it feels...forgotten.

Soon I will burry myself in work, in grading papers and doing lesson plans. In cooking and housework. Walking. The things I do to keep me from remembering how far I am from home, and all this will start to seem familiar and normal again instead of foreign and unnatural. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday will pass in whirlwinds of Medieval history, WWII and the geography of Africa. I will see friends on Saturdays. Occassionally go to Santiago or to a waterfall or some other distraction. But on Sundays - Sundays I will always remember that my body is somewhere in the Caribbean, but my heart is at home with my community even when they don't remember it is there. And I will sigh whistfully and pray for sundown when my day of rest is over and God doesn't seem so far away and busy other places.

I should resolve to post more often...

I should...but "they" say that you should make your new years resolutions attainable.

Well, I am back in Jarabacoa, getting back into the routine of life here. Charlotte seems like a dream right now. It is hard to remember that life is going on there. I had the same difficulty when I returned to Thailand. In my mind it was this perfect & unchanging place. Of course we know that reality is never perfect and change is one of the only constants in life(or so say some philosophers.)When I got back to Thailand after 15 months, things had been built, stores had closed, vendors had moved, etc. Life was the same returning to Charlotte, and yet different. New faces had entered the church crowd (some even 'friended' me on facebook.) Others had left (Brian we miss you!) Acquaintances became friends and some acquaintances became strangers. We had our first Christmas with my nephew (my sister & brother-in-law are in the process of adopting Cody)and I no longer have a place of my own. Buildings have been finished (I cannot tell you how different the corner of Sharon & Providence looks from 5 years ago!) and new stores have opened. People at W242 seem to have 2 kids now instead of 1. It is puzzling, this thing called life. And though the world in this past year has changed more for me than for many, somehow I feel that I am the one changing the least. Yet, on other days I hardly know myself. But, this is for certain, my time home renewed in me a hope that God still works in our lives. Still molds us; still sanctifies and refines us and when I see this refining happening in the lives of my friends and family it makes me raise my arms toward heaven and dance before the Father in awe of His great mercy that we know we do not deserve.

Life here, however, seems largely unchanged (not surprising as I was gone less than 3 weeks.) I did miss my students and am happy to see them. They are a trial but one which I would not trade (at least not most days.) They are busy preparing for semester final exams. Please pray for them - their brains are not back at school yet and they have ALOT to remember. Please pray for the staff at JCS as we too have alot to remember. Getting back into the swing of school has been hard (and good at the same time.) It was very wonderful to walk in and see familiar faces. To know that all that I do during the day is now familiar and expected. There is peace in living someplace so foreign and yet feeling so 'normal'. I think there is some deeper philosophical meaning there, but I am not sure yet what it is.

I took some really horrible video today of my walk to school. It is very bumpy - I get seasickish watching it, but if you are up for the rolling, you are welcome to take with me the walk that I make several times a day between my house and the school.



I miss you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you for ministering to me during my time home. I appreciate the hospitality, the words of encouragement, the intention, the vulnerability and the banter that you shared with me. To those of you who I did not get to see while I was home (whether you are in Virginia, or NY or Texas) I sure miss you too, and Lord willing, I will visit you this summer full of stories and exciting Dominican gifts! My heart is heavy with affection but my spirit is light with hope!

Grace and peace!

The week before Christmas break

I called my mother complaining that I was worn out and frustrated and that I wasn't even sure that I liked the kids anymore...she offered the sage advice that no teacher likes their students right before Christmas break.

It is true that the weeks leading up to spring break were horrifically stressful. Exams to finish and turn in, things to pack, Christmas shopping to do, the school Christmas program, and I decided to switch rooms with my roommate, but wanted to paint before I did so! Ack!!!

One of the big problems we have in the DR is mold and mildew. My clothes mold just hanging in my closet. It is quite annoying. I decided before I switched rooms that I would bleach and paint the room I was moving into. Here you can see a little bit of what the entire room basically looked like:
And here are a few pics of the process:


The finished result was worth the effort. There are 3 green walls and one blue -- I figure that since I am living on a tropical island I should take the opportunity to paint with colors I probably would not choose in the States -- the blue is quite vibrant but also very cheerful.


The last day of school before break I took some pictures with some of my girls. Here they are -- this is basically the 11th grade class, though we imposed on Monica (my only girl in the 9th grade) to take pics with us!


I gotta say though, it is good to be home!

A trip to the south

The Friday after thanksgiving we loaded up two cars early in the morning and set off for the south side of the island - destination Lago Enriquillo and other extraordinary sites.

The saltwater lake is the lowest point in the Caribbean, and is the sanctuary for two reptiles that are distinctive to that area. Here is what Wiki has to say.

We had planned to camp at the beach, but that ended up not being such a good option. We visited a cave that had Taino carvings, and the following day we went snorkeling and got to see some pretty amazing things.

Here are a few pictures worth at least a thousand words.

The Thanksgiving Feast

For thanksgiving most of the JCS staff went to the Speciale's (my friend Karen's) house for a HUGE thanksgiving feast. These pictures don't do the fun, chaos, food, laughter, full bellies and sweet fellowship justice, so I might have to post some more later. But here is a taste.



For various and assundry reasons this is the first time that JCS has done an open invitation to staff and families for thanksgiving. It was a blast! It was so nice to get to hang out with the Dominican teachers who I don't normally get to talk to. School can be so rushed and the language barrier really inhibits conversation when you are in a hurry, so having some time to just be goofy and hug on and compliment and smile at and ask about coworkers was such a great blessing to me. There are moments even in the crazy chaos that exists in our lives here where I feel that we do get to touch a piece of heaven. Thanksgiving was my first of these moments in a weekend that was full of them.

when 7th graders steal my camera

they take pictures...some quite funny:

or

and these are the culprits:

the day the propane went out at mi casa

so, i was standing over my two burners and the oven which were lit and thinking wouldn't it be funny if the propane ran out the night before thanksgiving while we were preparing our feast....

in hindsight, funny is not the word i would use. here's the puppy responsible: (ours is the grey one in the back.)

the bike

well, we were able to purchase our bike. it is used, it is a yamaha, and thankfully it was less than we expected. thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who helped us with this purchase. i have driven it twice (just around the neighborhood) and realized a very important thing: we don't really have 'roads' here...i mean, there are roads, but they are almost all dirt. i learned to ride on concrete or asphalt and it is not nearly so slippery as the roads here. so, i dropped the bike tonight. no biggy, just embarrassing. i was going about 5 miles an hour and hit the hand brake instead of the foot break and slid out the back tire. live and learn. (for those of you concerned i have been faithfully wearing a helmet on both of my expeditions unlike this pic where i drove it down to the end of the drive and back.)

because the bike was less than anticipated, Rachel and I out of gratitude want to put some of the balance between expectation and reality toward purchasing a moto for Clarissa (ser previous posts). We are working on raising money towards this end among our friends here. please pray that God will direct us and that we will best know how to help Clarissa and her family.

again, THANK YOU!

A trip to a waterfall

Here is a photo album of our trip to the waterfall (Salto Biaguate I think). It was a beautiful perfect afternoon. On the trip was: Rachel, Jessica, Christy Elmer, Dylan and myself. It was about a half hour ride to the falls, and the ride as well as the destination was gorgeous.